You came from my dreams,
Filling my heart.
Walking beside me,
Holding me close
The gentleness you bestowed upon me
The closeness we share
Leaves me in awe of you.
So many truths of dreams and desires
Held so tight.
Hidden just below the surface
A heart no longer silent
The need to share the reality
Of such purity of essence
You see me as I am
I wear no mask before you
Standing vulnerable, shy, soft, and loving
No pretending, it is very real
You're not my imagination,
But what was missing from my soul
A piece of cloth,
Woven so close.
Threads intertwined
Each touched by the other.
Held tight, each making the other strong
With every thread, it becomes more complete
One in the same, each enhancing the other
Do we stand and question
The purity of this moment
Together in sight of a common goal
Or merely brushing it aside, and settling
With a mere existence
Will we have the courage
To open our hearts,
Letting our souls reach out,
Sharing completely
Knowing this could be ... that last chance
Could we just walk away ?
Or reach for all the dreams to come true.
Jun 16, 2006
Jun 14, 2006
Just Story...
It all started some years back when I had just joined college. It was then that I saw her. She was not that beautiful but something in her drew me close to her. Was it her blue eyes or the way she talked or just her simple looks I can never tell, but whatever it was I started liking her. It was not love at first sight and nor did I wanted to jump onto it rightaway. I wanted to know her more, know how she felt about me so I became her just-a-friend. The more I would talk to her the more I liked her.
We started being together during college hours and when we reached home we would talk for hours over the phone and still I never got tired of her. We started going on dates, but I hadnt told her how I felt about her.
Then one day I told her. I told her how I felt,I told her what she meant for me, I told her everything. And she just smiled and said she had known it all along.
I was really happy but this happyness was not everlasting. After some months she started acting differently. At first I thought this was only my imagination, and I wish it was. She started avoiding me. Whenever I talked with her, she would do it for the sake of it. I couldn't understand what was happening, but whatever it was I could feel that I was losing her. I would sit alone in my room and think about the good times, the times when we were together and it would make me feel like crying. I couldn't take it any more so one day I asked for answers. And answer she gave me. She told me she never loved me, and if I was in illusion that we were lovers then she was breaking up. I knew it was comming and I was prepared for it, but still it was hard for me to take.
I finished my college. Time went by, and it had been more than two years since I last saw her. I did try to forget her but she was still in my mind. When we are hurt, though it heals in time, the scar reminds you about it throughout life.
Then one day I met her. It was just a formal talk as I could still feel the pain. She started calling me over the phone, and this time I talked just for the sake. She said she was sorry for all she had done, and she wanted us to be together again, just like before.
But now I don't want it. I don't want to go through all the pain once again. I cannot take it again. I don't know whether I am doing it right or not. I don't know whether I'll find THAT someone special or not. But one thing I know is that she was never meant for me and she'll never be mine again....
We started being together during college hours and when we reached home we would talk for hours over the phone and still I never got tired of her. We started going on dates, but I hadnt told her how I felt about her.
Then one day I told her. I told her how I felt,I told her what she meant for me, I told her everything. And she just smiled and said she had known it all along.
I was really happy but this happyness was not everlasting. After some months she started acting differently. At first I thought this was only my imagination, and I wish it was. She started avoiding me. Whenever I talked with her, she would do it for the sake of it. I couldn't understand what was happening, but whatever it was I could feel that I was losing her. I would sit alone in my room and think about the good times, the times when we were together and it would make me feel like crying. I couldn't take it any more so one day I asked for answers. And answer she gave me. She told me she never loved me, and if I was in illusion that we were lovers then she was breaking up. I knew it was comming and I was prepared for it, but still it was hard for me to take.
I finished my college. Time went by, and it had been more than two years since I last saw her. I did try to forget her but she was still in my mind. When we are hurt, though it heals in time, the scar reminds you about it throughout life.
Then one day I met her. It was just a formal talk as I could still feel the pain. She started calling me over the phone, and this time I talked just for the sake. She said she was sorry for all she had done, and she wanted us to be together again, just like before.
But now I don't want it. I don't want to go through all the pain once again. I cannot take it again. I don't know whether I am doing it right or not. I don't know whether I'll find THAT someone special or not. But one thing I know is that she was never meant for me and she'll never be mine again....
Jun 5, 2006
Tale Of A heart
This is not exactly a story but it is a story of a heart.
When I close my eyes, I am shocked not seeing u. Are u lost? But u chose the way down my eyes to my heart. From my heart there is no way further to my life. I know that, but my heart doesn’t want to kick u,
May 24, 2006
Last Letter....
Some one some where is made for u..........there were so many for whom there is no one made.....they just meant to feel the pain all the time.....love isn't in their fate......destiny brings only heart breaks.........one day i saw a guy for whom i fall for....he never noticed....n one day i found he loved my fren...i stayed quite....i thought may be he isn't in my destiny.........but situations n people taking enjoyment from others situation are always there.......n they call themselves my fren........whom i believed the most.......and they created so many situations in which we both got trapped.....he thought i was the one who always did all the stuffs.........but at that time i even never had guts to talk to him nor anyone else.........i never had confidence to speak to talk tp other people not even my family........i always use to keep quite........and he thought i was guilty......many people said many thing against me to him...may be some he believed some not....but i never explained 'coz i thought he knows me n believes me.......so many be he won't ever blame me for anything.........i waited........just called him at nights to hear his voice.......but never had guts to talk to him.........one day he called me n i thought my prayers had came true.......i convinced myself that if he can't be my lover ...i'll be his fren...his best fren........i did a lot.......n i succeed........but i was always unable to convince my heart.....my feelings increased n increased ...my fren had left him .....when he told me in that i cried for him.....i really did....i even for a second thought anything else.........n i saw him in grief since then......and when i felt hurt 'coz of his grief i went to my frens house n requested her...just to meet him once.......just talk to him one.........she did for me.......n once again i bring them together back.......but things went bad even more........i tried to control the situation but failed.......and they depart once again......my other frens scold me for that.....but i can see myself in pain ...not him.......so i tried so many times....i tried to bring my fren back in his life but i never succeed.......when she used bad words for him i felt so bad that one day i broke relation with her.........he never noticed that slowly he had became my life.....for him i was his best fren........but for me i was devoted to him........cried every night for him.........and every night waited for his calls........and he called every day.......at that moment i always forget my pains n felt like i was on top of the world...........but the next moment i fell down from there........n it took so long for me to get back to life again.......
when he left Nepal for further studies......i felt i lost him.......i cried for months........but distance never came in between us...the next moment he is with me ...in phone calls...net.....but its enough for me.........and i joined school to get out of my depressions......i ever succeed though.......my studies...my life...everyone else had left me many yrs back.......only thing that mattered is him......my morning started with him...my every second passed by with his name.......his photos n his phone call all i have in life.........but i was happy.......very happy i guess.......never saw that for him i was only fren......but his caring ..his love though it was as fren....his pain for me....and many more thing never let me forget him for a second......n i always wonder in questions for which i never got answered....i wondered our relation is perfect...then why he says he doesn't love me?.........but i never got answered........n i gave myself my own reasons like may be m ugliest person in world...may be our caste is different so. may be m not his type...may be n may be........it never end.........but ya it made me depressed.....so depressed that i lost my thoughts...my aim for life......my ways.........he never understood that...n whenever we discussed we argued only.....no use......so i decided to leave Nepal.........but at that moment i forgot that places can be changed but the heart remains same.......n feeling grew n grew......once he said come back to nepal n we will talk...i went back n felt so ignored that it hurt me the most....i feel scare to go back now......sometimes he use to say...i don't want to lose a fren so if u wish only having relation is a good idea then lets be in relation........but those days brought suffocations in my life.......how can i be with a man who only accept me 'coz of my pains....or just to save our friendship?........so never the relation succeed......there were so many other things but i know the friendship between us is true......in friendship we never betrayed each other..........though many of my frens never understood that.........they always said if there is friendship there must be love......and if he doesn't loves u then he doesn't even is your fren...........but i knew..........we were gr8 frens.......and there isn't compulsion that always only one relation can exist.........he has been there to share my pains.......he was always there for me........only as a lover we never succeed but i know he never betrayed me for anything..........he shared everything with me....only that after that also my feelings never decreased...so i feel that i was the one who is guilty.....i was the one to be punished 'coz i was the one who ruined our relation.............God know why he brought us together...........but i know my life will be for him. No matter he will be there or not...........
and after more than 9 yrs of agreement n friendship...love n care..........its time to depart...he said he is getting married soon.......i know i can' live with out him.........but i can't say anything 'coz his life ...his decisions i never can change........i only know one thing i was waiting for one hope that he will someday come back..........now i will wait the day when I’ll leave this world...till then his memories are more than enough to live this life.............this ever lasting waiting will be ended some day i believe so...........and i wrote him my last letter.........
DEAR
how many times we said good bye but we always unable to stay separately n again we came back to each other........sometimes u came first sometimes i came..........but the distance between us never increased like the way it gonna increase now......my heart n my mind still wish u the happiness n success in your life......in every steps may god always bless u....this is my love or may be i m selfish but some part of me is dying without u...i want to be still m unable to be happy......how could i be happy that u leaving me forever.....how i'll forget that i dreamt to live life with u...how will i remove all those pictures of u n me from memories n life.......how i could destroy all those dreams......how could i....how could i?.........i donno n i won't.........everything will be fresh with me.........in my memories ...in my life..........
May be after today i won't tell u anything or u won't be there to listen....so let me tell u today that i never tried to hurt u in my life but it was time situation that create misunderstanding....whenever u blamed me i never explained 'coz i felt if u don't believe in me what is use of explanations?.....i was wrong....i should have proved everything to u..........n i did so many times.....n u never believed i guess..........I’ve been waiting for u just with the hope that someday u'll understand me...........no as usual i was wrong...u never even tried to understand my love..........let me tell u that friendship is the best relation n i was wrong to try changing it into sth else.......but now its too late............i can't undo my feelings.....i can't bring back those moments.....things got bad for me.....love had became a dream never meant to come true.........wish u all the best for life ahead.........wish u'll get success in every step u climb up.........can't say if we see eachother again in life or not......time had always been unfair to me........but i promise that i will try not to come in your life again.........m taking my pains ...my tears... my feelings n my memories with me........hope only happiness i left in your life.........just wated to tell u that i loved u for no reasons.........n i'll love u forever n ever..........just going away from your life so that u won't get more embrassed b'coz of me....u won't get hurts 'coz of me.......sometimes word became less to talk about to express n today m not getting words to describe my feelings....to say goodbye.......what will be appropriate way to bye to a part of life.......i donno........but i've to i know.........so good bye.....GOODBYE..........
YOURS N FOREVER YOURS..........
May 16, 2006
I think I won’t ever come out of this misery
MY FEELINGS............NOT A GREAT STORY
U knew that I couldn’t live without u…but u decided to choose someone as your better half…….wish u a very very happy married life………its been three days since I heard from u that u r getting married but still tears hadn’t stopped from my eyes………..tell me how m I supposed to leave without u?............when u thought u r in love u told me n I respected your love …when u asked me to be only your fren I accepted………….and now when u decided to leave me I accepted./……but no……….I can’t live with this pain……….I just want to leave this world………..my feelings n me……..u left like we’re nothing for u……..but u r everything to me……..and I swear u that in my life no body will ever come……….heart still wants to wish u happy life with whoever u will marry…………and I will wish best wishes for u……….someday in some moment of life if u felt that u ever had feeling for me……….turn back n tell me………….my first n last love will be waiting for u……….marriage isn’t end of love……nor any relation……….love is love…………n I’ll always love u………just once …in life turn back n tell that u love me too….my love will be complete………..till then I’ll be waiting………….waiting till now with hope that some day u’ll return…………now I’ll wait for my end…for the day I’ll leave this world m in hope that someday u’ll realize u loved me too……….if not……then I’ll be incomplete……….I’ll leave world without anything…………but before I die………..just come to tell me that u loved me………if it was for minute…or second then also………I won’t ever come in between \your life…but my life will be lifeless if u won’t do that…………………but I can’t stop my tears………I can’t dream again……….but hope u will dream for better future…..today just wanted to tell u that..my tears my feelings might be like dramas in front of u………….but I always felt I borm to be yours……..only to love u………..nth more……….so with this confession m going out of your life……..may be I was bad…or worse person…but my love was never lie………never I pretended anything with u…….I’ve many things to live life with or many memories to live with so don’t worry about me………..u move on………..when u’ll feel like u need a fren turn back…………I’ll be following your footprints……..n if u won’t run back………..I’ll think my love wasn’t worth it………be happy……….be satisfied……..n be fulfilled…………
U knew that I couldn’t live without u…but u decided to choose someone as your better half…….wish u a very very happy married life………its been three days since I heard from u that u r getting married but still tears hadn’t stopped from my eyes………..tell me how m I supposed to leave without u?............when u thought u r in love u told me n I respected your love …when u asked me to be only your fren I accepted………….and now when u decided to leave me I accepted./……but no……….I can’t live with this pain……….I just want to leave this world………..my feelings n me……..u left like we’re nothing for u……..but u r everything to me……..and I swear u that in my life no body will ever come……….heart still wants to wish u happy life with whoever u will marry…………and I will wish best wishes for u……….someday in some moment of life if u felt that u ever had feeling for me……….turn back n tell me………….my first n last love will be waiting for u……….marriage isn’t end of love……nor any relation……….love is love…………n I’ll always love u………just once …in life turn back n tell that u love me too….my love will be complete………..till then I’ll be waiting………….waiting till now with hope that some day u’ll return…………now I’ll wait for my end…for the day I’ll leave this world m in hope that someday u’ll realize u loved me too……….if not……then I’ll be incomplete……….I’ll leave world without anything…………but before I die………..just come to tell me that u loved me………if it was for minute…or second then also………I won’t ever come in between \your life…but my life will be lifeless if u won’t do that…………………but I can’t stop my tears………I can’t dream again……….but hope u will dream for better future…..today just wanted to tell u that..my tears my feelings might be like dramas in front of u………….but I always felt I borm to be yours……..only to love u………..nth more……….so with this confession m going out of your life……..may be I was bad…or worse person…but my love was never lie………never I pretended anything with u…….I’ve many things to live life with or many memories to live with so don’t worry about me………..u move on………..when u’ll feel like u need a fren turn back…………I’ll be following your footprints……..n if u won’t run back………..I’ll think my love wasn’t worth it………be happy……….be satisfied……..n be fulfilled…………
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May 15, 2006
मलाई मन लाग्छ
मलाई मन लाग्छ
चैते हुरीजस्तै भएर बहकिन बतासिन मन लाग्छ मलाई। ती बिना कुनै गन्तब्यको बादल भएर मडारिन उडिरहन मलाई मन पर्छ। फेरि यसो सोच्छु त्यसरी आफ्नो गति छाडी बतासिरहने मडारिरहने चैते हुरी र बादललाई कस्ले पो मन पराएको छ र! बरु सबैले गाली गरेका छन्।
निकै ठूलो बिश्बास जिते आफ्नो घर-परिबारको, त्यसैले यति टाढा बिदेशमा आफूले सधै ईच्छाएको बिषयमा पढ्ने भाग्य पाएकी छु। सबै नातागोताले निकै आशा राखेका छन्। यी सबै कुरा मेरो मष्तिश्कको प्रत्येक भागमा राम्ररी बिच्छिएको छ त्यो कहिले नमौलाउने दुबो झार भएर।
यी सबै कुरा बिर्सेर म महत्वकांक्षी बन्ने कोशिस गर्न सक्छु जस्तो लाग्दैन। तै पनि घरिघरि फेरि मलाई स्वार्थी नै बन्न मन लाग्छ, साउने झरिझै। त्यो झरिलाई के थाहा कि त्यस्ले परिश्रमगरी खाने किसानलाई कति रुवाएको छ भनेर। त्यो त परि नै रहन्छ, स्वार्थी।
जहिले पनि मलाई खेलबाडमा दिनहरु बिताउन मन लाग्छ, खेलिरहन नै मन लाग्छ। तर आहँ! मैले यस्तो आविवेकी बन्नु हुन्न। मैले आफ्नो उत्ताउलो मनको नचाहिंदो उत्सुक्तालाई कसैगरी भए पनि जित्नु पर्छ।
आज संसार यति आघि बढिसकेको छ, प्रतिष्पर्धाले सगरमाथा छोएको छ। गर्ने आगाडि बढेको छ, बढि नै रहेको छ तर नगर्ने चाहि पछाडि नै छुटेको छ, आल्मलिएको छ पुष माघको जूनजस्तै। यस्ता सबै बुझेकी छु मैले, फेरि, ,मन न हो! आझै पनि मलाई मात्तिन पात्तिन नै मन लाग्छ ती पहाड पर्वतबाट जिस्किदै मस्किदै झर्ने सानी नदीजस्तै गरेर। कालो आकाशको गड्याङगुडुङ जस्तै बेलाबेलामा म नझस्किएको त पक्कै होईन। आजको मनपरी हाँसखेलले भोलि सराप पो दिने होईन, आफूलाई बिश्बास गर्नेहरुका माझमा हाँसो त हुनु पर्ने होइन, डर पनि लाग्छ मलाई।
जे होस्, हिजो भर्खरैदेखि मैले आफ्नो चुलबुले मनलाई बाध्ने प्रयत्न गरिसकेकी छु।
आजकल मलाई ज्ञानी बन्न मन लाग्छ। हाम्रा महान् लक्ष्मीप्रशाद देबकोटा चुरोटले हात जलेको पनि थाहा पाउनु हुदैंन थियो आरे आफ्नो लेखनकार्यमा एकोहोरिएर! मलाई पनि त्यसरी नै आफ्नो काममा लागी पर्न मन लाग्छ। खैं किन हो कुन्नि, आजभोलि मलाई बहुलाउन मन लाग्छ। दिनमा मात्र हैन, रातभरि नैं आफ्नो पढाईमा मस्त भएर मिर्मिरे बिहानी नै बनाई दिनु मन पर्छ।
धेरैधेरै बिधाबुद्धिको सागरमा पौडिरहने रहर जागेको छ ममा। मलाई सफल हुन मन लाग्छ, सक्षम बन्नु मन पर्छ। हरियाली बसन्तझैं विवेकी बन्नु मन लाग्छ मलाई। भीर पहरामा फूलेर आफ्नो बास्ना आनि रङ्ले आरूलाई खुशी बाड्ने ती उदार लाली गुराँसजस्तै भएर फूल्न मन लाग्छ मलाई।
साँच्चै, मलाई माया गर्नु हुने मेरा घर-परिवार आनि मेरो नेपालको गौरब बन्न मलाई मन लाग्छ॒—खुशी पार्न, आझै धेरै माया पाउन,,!
चैते हुरीजस्तै भएर बहकिन बतासिन मन लाग्छ मलाई। ती बिना कुनै गन्तब्यको बादल भएर मडारिन उडिरहन मलाई मन पर्छ। फेरि यसो सोच्छु त्यसरी आफ्नो गति छाडी बतासिरहने मडारिरहने चैते हुरी र बादललाई कस्ले पो मन पराएको छ र! बरु सबैले गाली गरेका छन्।
निकै ठूलो बिश्बास जिते आफ्नो घर-परिबारको, त्यसैले यति टाढा बिदेशमा आफूले सधै ईच्छाएको बिषयमा पढ्ने भाग्य पाएकी छु। सबै नातागोताले निकै आशा राखेका छन्। यी सबै कुरा मेरो मष्तिश्कको प्रत्येक भागमा राम्ररी बिच्छिएको छ त्यो कहिले नमौलाउने दुबो झार भएर।
यी सबै कुरा बिर्सेर म महत्वकांक्षी बन्ने कोशिस गर्न सक्छु जस्तो लाग्दैन। तै पनि घरिघरि फेरि मलाई स्वार्थी नै बन्न मन लाग्छ, साउने झरिझै। त्यो झरिलाई के थाहा कि त्यस्ले परिश्रमगरी खाने किसानलाई कति रुवाएको छ भनेर। त्यो त परि नै रहन्छ, स्वार्थी।
जहिले पनि मलाई खेलबाडमा दिनहरु बिताउन मन लाग्छ, खेलिरहन नै मन लाग्छ। तर आहँ! मैले यस्तो आविवेकी बन्नु हुन्न। मैले आफ्नो उत्ताउलो मनको नचाहिंदो उत्सुक्तालाई कसैगरी भए पनि जित्नु पर्छ।
आज संसार यति आघि बढिसकेको छ, प्रतिष्पर्धाले सगरमाथा छोएको छ। गर्ने आगाडि बढेको छ, बढि नै रहेको छ तर नगर्ने चाहि पछाडि नै छुटेको छ, आल्मलिएको छ पुष माघको जूनजस्तै। यस्ता सबै बुझेकी छु मैले, फेरि, ,मन न हो! आझै पनि मलाई मात्तिन पात्तिन नै मन लाग्छ ती पहाड पर्वतबाट जिस्किदै मस्किदै झर्ने सानी नदीजस्तै गरेर। कालो आकाशको गड्याङगुडुङ जस्तै बेलाबेलामा म नझस्किएको त पक्कै होईन। आजको मनपरी हाँसखेलले भोलि सराप पो दिने होईन, आफूलाई बिश्बास गर्नेहरुका माझमा हाँसो त हुनु पर्ने होइन, डर पनि लाग्छ मलाई।
जे होस्, हिजो भर्खरैदेखि मैले आफ्नो चुलबुले मनलाई बाध्ने प्रयत्न गरिसकेकी छु।
आजकल मलाई ज्ञानी बन्न मन लाग्छ। हाम्रा महान् लक्ष्मीप्रशाद देबकोटा चुरोटले हात जलेको पनि थाहा पाउनु हुदैंन थियो आरे आफ्नो लेखनकार्यमा एकोहोरिएर! मलाई पनि त्यसरी नै आफ्नो काममा लागी पर्न मन लाग्छ। खैं किन हो कुन्नि, आजभोलि मलाई बहुलाउन मन लाग्छ। दिनमा मात्र हैन, रातभरि नैं आफ्नो पढाईमा मस्त भएर मिर्मिरे बिहानी नै बनाई दिनु मन पर्छ।
धेरैधेरै बिधाबुद्धिको सागरमा पौडिरहने रहर जागेको छ ममा। मलाई सफल हुन मन लाग्छ, सक्षम बन्नु मन पर्छ। हरियाली बसन्तझैं विवेकी बन्नु मन लाग्छ मलाई। भीर पहरामा फूलेर आफ्नो बास्ना आनि रङ्ले आरूलाई खुशी बाड्ने ती उदार लाली गुराँसजस्तै भएर फूल्न मन लाग्छ मलाई।
साँच्चै, मलाई माया गर्नु हुने मेरा घर-परिवार आनि मेरो नेपालको गौरब बन्न मलाई मन लाग्छ॒—खुशी पार्न, आझै धेरै माया पाउन,,!
May 9, 2006
...couldnot trust him again.
I thought it is a true love, which we both used to have. I thought it is a trust of soul, which we both used to have. We're never able to confess our love face-to-face, though we confessed it through other means. We both used to believe there is something inbetween us. He went abroad for further studies. We both regret for not being able to confess the love face-to-face. But I was okay 'coz I thought I have his love though he never expressed it looking at my eyes. I just waited to feel his love. Time passed by, everything started changing. He was abroad so his life style was hard for me to understand. He started blaming for not understanding him n went on ignoring me. I tried hard to understand him, to companied him but couldnot. I thought 'coz of distance things r turning but will be okay in future. I was still okay though he ignored me, used to leave me alone when i used to ask him his company, i used to cry alone but i thought he might be alone there, might have some problem, might miss the moments we could share together, thougt he might be angry w/ me 'coz we'r never together, he is helpless thats why he is showing his madness to me 'coz i'm the only person infront of whom he can show his anger, smiles n everything else.
I tried to understand him but never thought about any other reason. One day i got to know about his another affair. My heart broke into small pieces. I felt as if smbody wake me up from nightmares & tried to show me reality. I thought its all my fault that I couldnot give him my warm love so he looked forward.
Everybody used to ask me, do u have bf? I used to say, yes. They again used to ask me where? I used to reply, he is abroad. Listening to my reply everyone used to ask me r u crazy? u r saying he is abroad n u still dreaming of him, forget about him, most of the men who asked me these questions used to say, I'm also a man n I know wht men thinks n wht they r. But i used to reply we both believe each other, we have feelings for each other, no distance matters if there is trust. Everybody used to be surprise n used to say goodluck to me. But when i got to know about his another affair I realized how true those people were. I thought feelings r always there despite long distance but he proved me wrong. He never ever told me about his another affair, but when i knew about it n asked him about it, he told me he never found that feelings in me which he got in that girl. Does it mean feeling only comes when u r around smbody or lets say when u r physically attached? He even told me he don't know if he had ever loved me or not. I just couldnot understand him n his thoughts. He just went n went ignoring me breaking my trust n all our small small dreams. I dont know if i can call him cheater or not. when i didnot know about his affair, i asked him why is he ignoring me n his reply was, "my life has changed n u never understood it, so u go ur own way, i'll go mine, i didnot mean by this that i'm taking our relation to the conclusion but we'll decide about it in future." I, for a while thought he is right.
Somehow, his relation broke up w/ his so called g/f. He was abroad so i dont know wht kind of relation he might had w/ her. He came back to me and told me he was lost but now wanna fully commit himself to me. I was startled.Thought he might was very lonely there, he might have got nice company to share w/, but now the thing that matters is he came back to me. it was not eg for me to accept him w/ the broken heart n trust he left. I thought I should forgive him, 'coz he was and he is always mine. I did forgive him. i did try to understand him one more time but couldnot. I failed again. He again blamed me, i did try to understand him but dont know how to understand his so called love, how could u understand the love of ur partners for smbody else? But i swear i did try to understand him but couldnot. Just felt he never loved me though he said he is all mine.
Now i feel i'm responsible for all those things, it just happened 'coz I couldnot give him my love, the love that I thought I have for him n that which he said is all fake, yes he proved my love fake. Did I really do wrong? I did try to build up the trust again but it is hard to build up the trust that once broke so I asked him to help me lifting up that broken trust but his reply was my past is not smthing that i regret so I dont wanna prove myself. I dont know how right or wrong it was but i didnot ask him to prove himself, i just asked him to help me, to company me. I tried but juss couldnot trust him again. Does this mean my love is fake and let me also ask can i ask him if he had ever loved me? he came back to me after keeping the relation w/ smbody else, do i really shouldnot care about this n should only feel happy that he came back to me?
I tried to understand him but never thought about any other reason. One day i got to know about his another affair. My heart broke into small pieces. I felt as if smbody wake me up from nightmares & tried to show me reality. I thought its all my fault that I couldnot give him my warm love so he looked forward.
Everybody used to ask me, do u have bf? I used to say, yes. They again used to ask me where? I used to reply, he is abroad. Listening to my reply everyone used to ask me r u crazy? u r saying he is abroad n u still dreaming of him, forget about him, most of the men who asked me these questions used to say, I'm also a man n I know wht men thinks n wht they r. But i used to reply we both believe each other, we have feelings for each other, no distance matters if there is trust. Everybody used to be surprise n used to say goodluck to me. But when i got to know about his another affair I realized how true those people were. I thought feelings r always there despite long distance but he proved me wrong. He never ever told me about his another affair, but when i knew about it n asked him about it, he told me he never found that feelings in me which he got in that girl. Does it mean feeling only comes when u r around smbody or lets say when u r physically attached? He even told me he don't know if he had ever loved me or not. I just couldnot understand him n his thoughts. He just went n went ignoring me breaking my trust n all our small small dreams. I dont know if i can call him cheater or not. when i didnot know about his affair, i asked him why is he ignoring me n his reply was, "my life has changed n u never understood it, so u go ur own way, i'll go mine, i didnot mean by this that i'm taking our relation to the conclusion but we'll decide about it in future." I, for a while thought he is right.
Somehow, his relation broke up w/ his so called g/f. He was abroad so i dont know wht kind of relation he might had w/ her. He came back to me and told me he was lost but now wanna fully commit himself to me. I was startled.Thought he might was very lonely there, he might have got nice company to share w/, but now the thing that matters is he came back to me. it was not eg for me to accept him w/ the broken heart n trust he left. I thought I should forgive him, 'coz he was and he is always mine. I did forgive him. i did try to understand him one more time but couldnot. I failed again. He again blamed me, i did try to understand him but dont know how to understand his so called love, how could u understand the love of ur partners for smbody else? But i swear i did try to understand him but couldnot. Just felt he never loved me though he said he is all mine.
Now i feel i'm responsible for all those things, it just happened 'coz I couldnot give him my love, the love that I thought I have for him n that which he said is all fake, yes he proved my love fake. Did I really do wrong? I did try to build up the trust again but it is hard to build up the trust that once broke so I asked him to help me lifting up that broken trust but his reply was my past is not smthing that i regret so I dont wanna prove myself. I dont know how right or wrong it was but i didnot ask him to prove himself, i just asked him to help me, to company me. I tried but juss couldnot trust him again. Does this mean my love is fake and let me also ask can i ask him if he had ever loved me? he came back to me after keeping the relation w/ smbody else, do i really shouldnot care about this n should only feel happy that he came back to me?
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