Apr 3, 2006

i miss u i need u

We were once together
We were once in love
But it’s further
then the usual bond we had
You stayed away
I failed to say
And now the problems you faced
is mine to forget
To forget you
To remind me
Of the mistakes I made
That made you leave
You blame yourself
But I got to say
Its not you all along
I've realized that it was ME...

I'm staring at the neoprint
we took with my best friend..
"CUTEYZ" it said at the bottom of the pic..
Oh..I wished you were here
to share a laugh with me..
To relive those moments that we had
Oh..I'm missing you again..

My apologies if I’m being foolish
But I can't stop thinking of you ever since
Knowing that you're not here with me..
A empty space
A broken heart..
I guess I'm alone now..


I used to sit on the bench with you by my side..
But now whenever I sat there I'm all alone..
All I could do is stare at the empty space beside me..
Wishing that it was you there..
Oh..I'm missing you again..

There's always "1 message received" on my phone
It's always you to wish me good night
Or to call me in the middle of the night..
Your mum would tick you for calling me..
Haha..how cute..
But no..now my phone is left alone..like me..
Oh..I'm missing you double-time..

The night where we sat at the playground behind our school..
10.15p.m...
1st August 2005..
Under the moonlight that shone in my heart
But my heart is not where it used to be..
Its in your hands..
And we shared our first kiss there..
Oh..I love you..
But what's the use..
You're not there anymore..
You're not here..
Where you should be..
My love..I've been standing here waiting for your presence..
Steal my heart once more..
I need you..
I need you..

Apr 1, 2006

WHAT HAVE I DECIDED FOR MYSELF?

'Jaanu will u ever leaves me?' No I won't ever leave u.....if I died then too I will follow u as ghost.....and we both use to burst out in laugh。。。。I loved him so much that I really couldn’t ever think I’ll ever leave him or he will leave me….but jokes are part of life n it goes on…….I never had words to describe how much I loved him…..how much I wanted to be with him….and I can do anything to hear his voice once, to see him once…
But who knows what time brings for us. And what’s on our destiny…. And same things happened to me….life seem to be fairy tale n now it turned to dirty reality …and the reality is so painful that it drown everything…my dreams my hopes, my everything…..everything was going as we planned till the day we decided to marry …our parents had problem ‘coz of our caste our status and all…and they denied our marriage……we both pleaded in front of them ….but their decision was on their place…..nothing changed and we cried……we cried till our tears no more support us……and that day came when we meet…we were sad…but more than that we know that we have to do something which will solve the problem….but he came up with an decision…..he said jaanu I think we have to do as our parents tells…we have to marry there where they tell us to…….I love u…u’re base of my life if I will lose u I’ll lose everything but again when I think about my parents …I can’t…I can.t take it anymore…I don’t want to see u cry…..if I’ll be lost without u then also I’ll always wish to see u happy….lets not cry anymore,….lets finish this pain we r living…it hurts u.. and it hurts me more when u cry….so jaan…lets try to adjust with time n fate……..tears flew continuously from my eyes when he told me this…..my words stuck in my neck….nothing came out of my lips…but inside my heart is saying “how could u?...how could u take that decision alone?...this is my life along with yours u talking about….plz stop this n just say u’re joking like u always say……no plz no,….u can’t leave me……I’ll die without u…..I will be lost….I will be like a empty story….when I remove u from my life my life is nothing except the empty heart n life….don’t do this to me…u can’t do this……..”……..suddenly I hugged him……he hold me tight and we cried for a long time…..and when he left……….some part of me left with him……some part was dying in front of my eyes……..n I was standing there like an statue……watching him to go away……he left…..he left……….oh my god! How could I let him go……….I ran…..ran after him……..but he was gone…..gone so far from me I think………

When I reached home I was like someone who just lost a reason to live life…..and wounded lover…..I felt angry…I threw things here n there……I felt like no one was mine…..no one …my parents even gone against my happiness….he left me ….and I did nothing……I could have stopped my parents from deciding abt my life…I could have stopped him…I could have…I could have done so many things…but I didn’t……..n here I m…all alone……I cried for so long that in front of my eyes I saw darkness….nothing….my heart had stopped hoping…my mind had stopped thinking……and I did that ….

When I wake up….everything was different…suddenly I felt so light….so free….and I heard them crying……first I ignore but when the sound grew louder n louder I walked toward the direction of sound….and I saw my parents my sister my brother …..and many ppl gathering n they all were crying…..why were they crying?......when I rolled my eyes around….I saw myself lying down in between….without any motion…so pale…..what the hell m I seeing……..I m standing rt here n who is that who looks just like me in the floor……..people keep coming n crying……I was lost….n I walked towards my mom n asked her why she was crying……no answer…I asked everyone there but no answer……….oh gosh!! I’d died………now I remember the night before…..I’d finished my own life ‘coz I didn’t wanted to live without him……everyone decided so many things and I decided one thing…and that is death for myself…..those tears of everyone started to burn me now….those howling of everyone was torturing me like hell………hey stop…..stop now…don’t cry……m happy………but no answers…nothing stopped them from crying n they started to bind me in those bamboos and covered with white cover……..suddenly he came……he looked like crazy……he cried out aloud…….and hold me tight…..this time I even didn’t felt that warmth I use to when he hugged me….and he started my last journey…….I followed them….and I saw my own body burning in front of my eyes……..what the hell people whole life fight for….wishing for this n that….at last it just turned into ashes…….

Everyone started to return…..I waited for him to leave……..he left …..And I was with him…..I remembered that…..”I’ll follow u as ghost after death.”……my joke had turned real….he locked himself in his room….he was lying in his bed as a dummy……and he was crying continuously……..and some cold breeze passed through my heart n I felt the pain in his heart….I tried to hugged him tight…I wanted to tell him.”. look m here with u as I promised…..look at me….jaanu look in my eyes….still u laugh there…….”…but useless…….

And I felt what I’ve done……….I’ve brought tears for so many of them……….I’d promised him not to leave………n I left him………I saw my parents cry in pain…….I thought they don’t want my happiness…….but I was wrong………I was wrong n I can’t take time back …..Time had flew so far……

In few days….almost everyone had forgotten it………except my family……they still have tears in their eyes…n may be they will forever…….and I saw him…….numb……no sense for anything……..I died for world n he left the world in his own way…….But I’d promised…….n I’ll be with him forever…….

Let’s Live Together, Despite the Differences

Let’s Live Together, Despite the Differences
(Satis Shroff, Freiburg)
I met Toni Hagen ages ago in Freiburg where he’d come to give a talk about Nepal, and I must say he made a jolly good impression. As a long-time Freiburger, I went with him to a local tavern near the Schwabentor for a swig of German beer. ‘I’ve travelled 14,000 km on foot in Nepal’ said Toni Hagen, a soft-spoken, silvery-haired Swiss-geologist who would be 89 years now, hadn’t Yamaraj beckoned him earlier. He had that typical Schwyzerdeutsch accent, and he liked to think of his days in Nepal in the early fifties as his ‘wandering years,’ for as is the custom in Switzerland and Germany, when you’re through with learning your trade you embark upon an adventurous trip seeking expertise in as many cities and countries as possible before you settle down someplace. His poor wife had to remain at him in Lenzerheide with the children.
In the case of Toni Hagen, however, he seemed to be a wandering soul, even in the winter of his life, spending half of his time in the Swiss Alps and the other half in the Himalayas. He was one of the last living witnesses of a secretive Nepal of the Middle Ages. He entered the Kingdom at a time when it was a “forbidden land” in the early fifties. As the first foreigner who had the freedom of travelling in Nepal as he pleased, Hagen visited areas which are still forbidden to most people even today. Most Toni Hagen admirers can view his life and experiences in the film ‘The Ring of Buddha.’ It is a melange of original film material from the fifties, colour transparencies from his book on the geology of Nepal, and the viewer gets an idea of the Kingdom of Nepal and its peoples. When I saw the film, I had the uneasy feeling that he was saying goodbye to us all.
With the passage of time, Toni Hagen changed his profession from geology to development-work, and he was deeply concerned about the problems of development aid, its successes and failures not only in Nepal but also in many other countries. The people interested him more than the stratigraphic formations. In a book published by the Unesco, dealing with the ‘socio-economic problems of Nepal’ he mentioned the development projects in Nepal and said that the ‘ecological catastrophe prophesy’ that he made in the early fifties ‘has come true’ and talked about the pioneer work in the geological survey of Nepal from 1960 till 1970, and wrote about his new edition of ‘Nepal’ and proudly mentioned that it was a fourth edition ‘without any changes’, and called it a standard work on Nepal, which indeed it is.
He took delight in the fact that the World Bank stopped the Arun III project in Nepal thanks to his efforts and the united lobbying on the part of the ecological organisation Urgewalt, Dr. Hermann Warth, and the political fractions from the SPD, Bündnis 90, the Greens and the PDS in influencing the German government, in addition to the decision of the new World Bank president James Wolfensohn and the assertion of the then prime minister Adhikary. After the World Bank decision not to finance the dam project, it was taken for granted that the 235 million marks from the German side would be set aside for other smaller projects. The Arun III was observed in Germany as development-politics gone haywire.
‘What Nepal needs,’ he stressed, ‘is not road-building projects but genuine and effective help in the agricultural sector. What Nepal needs are not atomic plants but water-works.’ And he wasn’t tired of mentioning, with a sense of pride, that His Majesty King Birendra had read his old reports and had asked him for his opinion regarding Nepal’s optimal development.
‘Is it too late for my country?’ was the question asked by King Birendra, he said, and in the same breath he expressed his admiration for the Nepalese King. He was of the opinion that ‘constitutional monarchy and continuity are essential for Nepal’s survival,’ and praised the advantages of decentralisation, which according to him, is a central characteristic of democracy and is important for every case involving planning whether it’s hydroelectric plants or tourism.
Toni Hagen said, ‘Development must come from the grassroots.’ He was awarded the title of ‘Distinguished Person of Kathmandu City’ on 15th of June 1995 by the mayor of Kathmandu Mr. P.L. Singh, who also presented him a key to the city. On this occasion Toni Hagen went on record as saying ‘Despite the failure of some politicians and parties, freedom of speech, press-freedom, multiparty system and the role of the opposition in the parliament remain the most important trait of the new system in Nepalese politics.
Nepal can be divided into seven zones: the Terai, the Siwalik Hills, the Mahabharat Mountains (Lekh), the Nepal Midlands, the Himalayas, the Inner Himalayas and the Tibetan marginal mountains. And according to Toni Hagen the river system existed before the Nepal Himalayas came into existence. The Himalayan rivers carved gigantic gorges. According to him it would be appropriate if the Midlands were not ignored today. Almost lamentably he said that the terai urwald, primeval forest, did not exist anymore and talked about the World Bank and the Nepalese government’s project of settling people from the hills to the terai.
From the terai to the hills you have in ascending order of crop cultivation: rice, wheat, maize, millet, potatoes and grassland. Wheat is a relatively new crop in Nepal. He found the soft green revolution in Kathmandu welcome, but at the same time he pointed to the fact that the population had risen in the last decade at an alarming tempo, and called it ‘schlimm’ and bad enough. Nepal, in comparison to other Asian countries, has five persons per hectre of land’, he said and ‘possesses the biggest concentration of population density’.
And then he started to talk about the soil erosion. From the terai at the gangetic-level upto a height of 1800m you have rice terraces and from there up to 3000m you have the Kampfzone (battle-zone) for existence and above that you have, till an elevation of 3500m, forests with increasing erosion and then grasslands in the Himalaya regions. He pointed out that the steep terraces resulted in soil erosion caused by human beings. The yield per hectre had been decreasing and the land for cultivation had also been decreasing.
As far as the terai was concerned, his prognosis was that it would produce surplus food for a decade, and mentioned that most of the food went to India, because the traders in the plains offered better prices and the transport infrastructure was already there in form of good railways and roads.
In the terai the ground water can be reached at a depth of 2 metres. The terai, with its rich alluvial soil, could be developed into the corn-chamber of Nepal, much like the Punjab in India. And Nepal should not export its rice to India but keep it for domestic demands in the Kingdom. He shook his head and said, ‘It’s easy, but it doesn’t function. We may have a surplus at the moment but the question is whether we can keep up this production or not?’
The farmers must be helped was his argument. Toni Hagen admitted he didn’t have a patent recipe for the problems of Nepal. The farmers had been ignored in Nepal according to Toni Hagen (not so in Taiwan and Niger). He complained that the Foreign Aid until 1976 invested money mostly in road-construction projects which was a grave mistake, for it sucked up the last reserves of Nepal.
Nepal is like a very sick patient. Multilateral and bilateral aid agencies at the governmental and non-governmental level have injected foreign cash and material into Nepal, and the result is that the very economic structure has been weakened. A sum of US 552.8 million was transferred to Nepal without any visible changes in the economic structure of the country and has created an aid-industry in which the corrupt middlemen earn a good living. The country’s masses suffer stoically, as they have done throughout the centuries at the hands of other rulers. Chakari, neoptism and corruption are just as rampant in the post-democratic era as in the past.
It must be noted, he said, that above 90% of the Nepalese population lives on agriculture. The first priority was given to transport, then agriculture and lastly energy. The other way round would have been better on the long run.
He held a pedagogic finger and reminded one Nepal is a country with the biggest hydro-electric potential in the world. ‘Even back in the fifties I suggested to the government to develop energy. Some officials regarded him as ‘backward in his thinking,’ and according to him foreign exchange was wasted on useless thermal energy projects.
Whereas the population of Nepal in 1950 was 8 million, in 1988 it was 17,5 million. Today it’s 27 million. And whereas the mean life expectancy in 1950 was 26 years, a Nepalese now can live to be 40 to 50 years old if not more. Malaria was rampant in 1950 with 3 million cases, and in the eighties malaria, which was thought to have been eradicated, has made a comeback because the ‘mosquitoes are immune’. Whereas there were 2,5 million domestic animals in 1962, there are over 3,2 million these days. And whereas there were 6,4 million hectares of forest in 1950, it was reduced to half, namely 3,2 hectares in 1982. And whereas the illiteracy in 1950 was 98%, by 1976 almost 77% of the boys (and 25% girls) had gone through compulsory primary school. And as for the medical aspects, 50% more Nepalese doctors are concentrated in Kathmandu Valley than anywhere else in the Kingdom. Due to the war between the Maoists and the government troops and police there has been a steady decline (38%) in the tourist since 1998. And more than 13 000 Nepalese have died in the struggle for power. This would have appeared like a nightmare to Toni Hagen, who had another picture of Nepal in his mind—corrupt, but peaceful and tolerant. Live and let live was the life philosophy. Today it’s live and let die.
The rate of people leaving the rural areas was 3% in 1951 in comparison to 12% in 1982. The crop production figures and prospects according to the Swiss expert look gloomy with a deficit in the year 2000, beginning already in the early with a downward trend.
To a question about the Swiss road in Jiri, which had been praised in German TV as an ecological and technical masterpiece, he said: ‘It’s well built, but wrongly laid (falsch Angelegt). Neither did he have words of praise for the Nepal-India road, nor for the Kathmandu-Lhasa highway, which were great engineering feats. The Tribhuvan Rajpath connecting Nepal with India (built in 1956) was very bad because of erosion along the sides of the road. He called it a ‘terrible construction’. In the meantime the road is open for traffic.
‘In development aid there’s always a wrong investment. The aid-donors wanted to do too much in Nepal. That was the problem’, says Toni Hagen.
On the 11th of April 1996 there was a two-day ‘Nepal Aid Group’ conference in Paris, the first of its kind since 1992. The participating 13 donor nations were: Canada, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Holland, Norway, the Saudi Development Fond, Switzerland, U.K., USA, in addition to various international finance organisations. The summit granted for the period 1996-97 assistance worth US$ 993 million to Nepal.
The then Nepalese finance minister Dr. Ram Sharan Mahat said, ‘The meeting in Paris has proved that the donor-nations show a cooperative attitude towards Nepal. The main points that these countries complained about were: the constant posting of the government employees, their sinking morale and the delay in the posting and transfers of the civil servants engaged in the development works. The aid-donors suggested that the prices of the public service should be oriented to the actual costs and emphasised the necessity of controlling the rampant corruption’.
Another current trend in development aid from Europe is this ‘Help to Self-Help’ especially from the Germans. In 1995 Nepal received 29.3 million German marks for the projects and programmes of the financial and technical cooperation (FZ & TZ). The financial cooperation involves family-planning, a road infrastructure and a biogas project.
Toni Hagen said, ‘The Nepalese, for instance, should plant trees and care for them for five years. Integral projects would be good for Nepal’ and went on to talk about big projects with the motto: ‘No money, no water’ in other countries. The big organisations of rich countries have lots of money for development projects but how the money was invested was another matter. In his book on development problems he analysed 230 development projects, and according to him in rural areas only small projects have a chance to survive.
He quoted the villager who said, ‘My village has survived so many development projects’. Does it do good to bring the villages in developing countries to modern levels?
Even Swiss villages have come into being through laborious processes of development over long periods of history. And Nepal is trying to catch up with the developed world within a few decades. There’s also the question of loss of identity due to development aid. Toni Hagen’s world existed during the Hippie-happy and Flower-power days, for there were no signs of militant maoists in those days. The communist students came from Doti, Silgadi and Dharan and had stacks of literature penned by Kim Il Sung, Lenin, Marx and Mao’s red books, all made available by the respective cultural centres of these communist countries in Kathmandu..
He would have thought differently were he living these days, for Nepal has been undergoing a political and military turmoil and Nepal’s face has changed a lot. But let’s talk about our ageing Swiss friend.
Toni Hagen’s eyes twinkled when he spoke about the humorous and sunny nature of the Nepalese soul. He called it ‘die Heiterkeit der Seele’ in German, which means the joyousness of the soul.
‘The Nepalese don’t take anything seriously, and themselves the least,’ he said with a smile. And then he switched over to an anecdote about one of the first DC-3 landings in Pokhara in 1950, which was quite a feat then. There was a big crowd of Gurung, Thakali and Tamang farmers gathered to watch the propeller-driven Dakota- aircraft. Out of the DC-3 came a jeep along the ramp and an astonished Nepali farmer said: “It’s like a birth. The small vehicle will learn to fly soon!” In his film he also mentioned his early porters who’d thrown his geological data, namely rocks from the Himalayas, because they’d though rocks are everywhere, so why carry them. It was a hilarious situation in the film, but such a thing wouldn’t have happened if he’d taken the trouble to talk with his porters in their lingo about the importance of the specimens they were carrying behind their backs.
‘Nepal hasn’t changed since the last 45 years in the hills,’ he said, with a twinge of nostalgia and talked about Pokhara with its backdrop of the gigantic Annapurna and Dhaulagiri mountains. He liked to call the Machapuchare the ‘Nepalese Matterhorn’ in his exquisite Swiss accent and said the Swiss Matterhorn looked so insignificant when compared with the Fish-Tail Mountain. And then he expressed his praise and admiration for the ‘precisely laid rice terraces in Nepal, a wonderful innovation of the Nepali people.’ The terrace farming is a several 100 year old tradition in Nepal. Speaking English as a Swiss geologist from Lenzerheide is one thing, but learning the Nepali language and speaking it is another. Most visitors to Nepal have the attitude that the Nepalese speak English, and they should learn German, Japanese which easier and more convenient for visitors than the other way around.
‘Rice is regarded noble and millet as of lesser quality,’ said Toni Hagen and spoke of the golden yellow millet fields below the Machapuchare. Below the 2000m Dhaulagiri you have the red ‘kodo’ millet-fields and kodo is protein-rich. He was also all-praise for the Nepali farmers with their diversification of products. There was no monoculture in Nepal (except in the tea-plantations of Ilam and Darjeeling). The farmers planted rice, wheat, potatoes and varied them.
The Rara lake at 3000m reminded him of the Swiss lakes in the Alps. And Langtang at 3,500m had lush meadows, with hundreds of edelweiss flowers like in the Alps. He said: ‘When I was in Langtang for the first time, I thought we could make cheese here with yak-milk and that’s how the Swiss-idea of setting up a dozen cheese factories in the Nepal Himalayas began. The cheese is transported on the backs of the Tamang and Sherpa porters from a height of 5,800m to Kathmandu. The Tibetans, Sherpas, Tamangs and other Nepalese ethnic groups knew only churpi, the Nepalese hard-cheese, which is pure casein.
I told him, ‘We, Nepalese, call it Nepali chewing-gum’ and he laughed. Toni Hagen appreciated the Swiss-aided Himalayan cheese and said they tasted just as good as the Swiss ones.
‘And some even have Swiss-holes in the cheese,’ he said with a laugh. This scribe remembers eating cheese and drinking yak-milk during his Amrit Science College days with his Nepalese Ascolite friends at the milk-shop in Thamel. It can happen that some have no enzyme called lactase in their intestine flora and cannot digest the milk-products and suffer from Kathmandu-quicksteps. The Swiss-idea was also a boon to the tourists, foreign residents and western-oriented Nepalese.
Recalling his surveys in the Khumbu area: Ama Damlam, Makalu and Mt. Everest he said, like a boarding-school boy who had gone out of bounds, “ In 1956 I managed to go to Tibet, to the north of Everest without permission. The Chinese were then in Tibet.” And talked about the dangerous and treacherous glaciers: “You’re never sure when water flows under the glacier.”
According to him there was an increasing population mobility in Nepal, but the racial schemes still exist. Then he was ecstatic about the incomparable harmonious religious tolerance in Nepal.
‘Take Swayambhunath for instance, which is for all Hindus and Buddhists. The Nepalese live near each other, mingle with each other: nebeneinander, durcheinander.’ he said. But he certainly wasn’t thinking about Nepal’s political problems with the Maoists. What Nepal needs is a culture of tolerance between the warring political parties, for after battling with each other, the Maoists, democratic parties and the monarch should realise that what all in the end desire is peace. Peace and tolerance is a better path than violence. Aggressive behaviour and politics has only lead to destruction of all involved in Nepal’s struggle. Like old Hagen said, “Let us live together, despite the differences.”
Toni Hagen is dead, but my memories of him remain. I still see him with his blue glassy eyes as he raised his beer glass and said with a tinge of nostalgia, ‘Auf Nepal .’ I followed it up with ‘Auf die Schweiz!’ I invited me to Lenzerheide, but I couldn’t make it.

Mar 28, 2006

and i couldn't say 'no'....


love my girl a lot... don't know if it sounds cheesy or but i really do love her a lot n there hasn't been a time when i couldn't say 'no' to what she asked.. i wore long hair.. n my whole family was against it.. they were always pressuring me to cut my hair.. but to all their demands n request my answer was a simple 'NO'... but then when she asked me to do it.. i couldn't say 'no'... study.. as its with almost everyone not liking studying at all.. it has been the same with me.. but when she said.. 'now after u go home u start studying' n then also i couldn't say 'no' n would return home n sit down to study.. n sometimes when late at night she used to miss me... she'd call me up n tell me ' sas i'm missing u a lot.. i want to meet you... can u come outside my house??' i couldn't say 'no'.. somehow i'd sneak out of my house go to her place .. call her up from a shop outside her house n she too would come out making some excuses.. then one day she told me she was trying for U.S as i myself wasn't in Nepal with her then n she was really lonely as everything there reminded her of me making her miserable.. besides her parents, she told were expecting a lot from her.. n she had to live up to their expectations.. i couldn't say 'no'.. knew long distance relationship are hard to keep n U.S being even further away from the place i was in it'd be really hard.. also U.S is known for its infamous break ups... but i had full trust in our relation n helped her in every possible way i could.. she got there n made promise to call her up regularly.. n how could i say 'no' to that.. she was lonely there.. everyone there had pairs..pairs who went together.. or pairs who got paired right there.. she was the only one there without a pair.. n it is really hard for a girl to stay in U.S without a pair.. n for a girl as beautiful as her.. even more harder.. there were times when she'd cry over the ph saying how life was there.. n how hard it was for her.. i just couldn't do anything about it.. but to cry along with her.. n sometimes assure her that it was just a few years n then we'd be together forever.. n then there were times when she'd ask me to do her assingments for her :) n even though i had my own stuffs piled up.. i couldn't say 'no' infact enjoyed doing them as it made me feel at least there is something that i can do for her.. sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes fustrated n sometimes enthusiastic... whatever or however we felt we always shared them all...

just a few days back i called her up as usual.. n then she told me to call her back after about 10mins.. this had become quite normal for me.. coz she was sharing a room with her senior whom she looked upto as her elder sister.. n she felt a bit odd talking to me with her sis around her.. so i thought ok 10mins.. when will it be over.. n kept looking at my watch.. yes!!! finally 10 mins up.. called her again.. she was sounding a bit shaky.. n after a while she let out a muffled cry..a cry she was trying to hold back.. i was really shocked n scared.. n then i asked her 'what's wrong ?? why r u crying??' then she said..' i am not crying' her voice was kinda shaky.. but not her usual voice when she cried.. i thought i must have imagined that or something.. n again started to talking to her.. but then again i heard a cry n this time i was sure of it.. i asked her again.. n again she denied it.. i just kept quiet for a moment.. n then she suddenly burst out.. she sobbed in a way she had never before.. i was really worried n i again asked her.. 'what's wrong ?? why r u crying?? com'on speak up.. what is the matter' .. then half crying she said.. 'sas u love me a lot don't u?? n u will give me anything that i ask for.. won't you?' i was kinda confused n scared n worried all the same.. 'yeah of course.. i will give u anything of which i am capable of giving' i said. she said ' shana i'm gonna ask u something.. plz don't say no.. n before i ask u that.. first promise me that u'll not ask me any questions n give me what i want.. n also u will study hard n fulfill ur parents dreams n look after them well'. Now i really worried sick, i knew where this was leading to.. i knew what she was gonna ask for.. but i had to hear from her mouth to confirm it.. cause what i thought i knew she was gonna ask was something i had never imagined or never thought of.. she kept pleading me about it.. she kept on pleading for me to promise it.. i had no choice.. i said, ' ok i will promise that i'll give u what u ask for.. n won't qn u n also will study well n do everything u just asked said had to....but first u must promise me.. that u won't ever regret asking this.. n that after i give u what u ask for u will be happy'. Again she burst out into a cry.. n said, ' that i am not sure of..' then i said her..' then why do u want to ask something that is not gonna make u happy.. i will give u only that.. which will make u happy' to which she replied ' no i am not gonna regret asking it.. its for the betterment of the both us.. as for my happiness i'm still uncertain.. but first u have to promise me that u'll give me what i ask n also be happy that u gave me.. ' , ' well if it will make u happy then of course i am gonna be happy but then u say that u are not sure that u urself will be happy' this is what i said.. n again she pleaded me to make that promise.. i couldn't stand her pleas.. i mean i couldn't hear her pleading.. i was not used to her pleadings so i just blurted out..'ok i promise.. also i promise that i'm gonna be happy that i was able to give u what u had wanted' .. n still half crying she said, 'ok then i know that i too am gonna be happy' .. then preparing myself for the worst i said to her 'ok now ask me what it is that u want', 'shanu, please leave me' this me what she asked for.. i knew that was coming n i had prepared myself for it.. but actually hearing it from her was something really different .. something that made my world turn upside down n darken everything.... she had not only asked me to leave her.. but also leave everything.. all of my dreams.. all that i loved n all that i cared for.. everything that was assosciated with her.. n believe me everything in my life was about her.. n everything was what i had to give her.. she had asked me everything that i possessed.. my dreams, my joys, my memories, my goal, my strength, my confidence.. everything... n as it would make her happy... i just couldn't say 'no'...

Mar 24, 2006

About Osho-Saying

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"Remember: whatsoever I am saying is not
the thing that I want to say to you. Whatsoever
I am saying has nothing to do with truth, because
truth cannot be said. Whatsoever I am saying is
nothing but a hammering. If you become awake,
you will see the truth."

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"I am not here to help your prejudices,
I am not here to help your traditions,
your conditionings. My work consists in
demolishing you completely, because only
when you are utterly demolished the new is born."

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"People ask me why the society is against me.
The society is not against me - I am anti-social.
But I can't help it - I have to do my thing. I have
to share what has happened to me, and in that
very sharing I go against the society."

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"I can only indicate. I am a finger pointing to the moon."

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"Whatever the buddhas in the past did was good,
but not enough. They created for themselves the
highest peak of consciousness. I would like to create
that highest peak for everyone -- at least for those
who are in search of it."
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"I am not much of a religious person,
I am not a saint, I have nothing to do
with spirituality. All those categories are
irrelevant about me. You cannot categorize
me, you cannot pigeonhole me. But one thing
can be said, that my whole effort is to help
you release the energy called love-intelligence.
If love-intelligence is released, you are healed."

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"My function is very different from the function
of Gautam Buddha. His function is only a small
part of my philosophy. I want individuals to
become enlightened, but I want also the whole
of humanity to rise with the enlightened people.
They may not become enlightened, but at least
become conscious enough so that nations disappear
, religions disappear, races disappear, and we can
live as one humanity, as one earth."

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"I am here not to explain certain things to you,
but to create a certain quality within your being.
I am talking not to explain; my talking is a creative
phenomenon. I am not trying to explain to you something -
that you can do through books and there are millions of
other ways to understand these things -
I am here to transform you."
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"One thing: you have to walk, and create the
way by your walking; you will not find a ready-made
path. It is not so cheap, to reach to the ultimate
realization of truth. You will have to create the
path by walking yourself; the path is not ready-made,
lying there and waiting for you. It is just like the sky: the
birds fly, but they don't leave any footprints. You cannot
follow them; there are no footprints left behind."
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"I am not a priest, I am just a friend. I am here to explain to you how I have discovered truth. Doubt has been my own process, my own way to reach to truth. And I would like you to become more and more sharp, intelligent. Doubt more scientifically. Just as in science doubt helps you to discover, it also helps in the inward journey."
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"I am not a shelter for escapists. I am here to teach you life and more life and still more life, because only when your energy is flowing will you be able to love; only when your energy is flowing will you be able to know; only when your energy is flowing will you someday be able to transcend death - otherwise not. No, I am here to make you utterly liberated, including from myself."
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"I have to tell jokes because you are all religious people, you tend to be serious. I have to tickle you so sometimes you forget your religiousness, you forget all your philosophies, theories, systems, and you fall down to earth. I have to bring you back to the earth again and again, otherwise you will tend to become serious, more and more serious. And seriousness is a canceric growth."
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"I am for love. I have been teaching my whole life in favor of love. The reason is strange. But I am an eccentric man. I have been teaching you to go for love because I know that unless you come to this crucial point, where the other is hell, you will never become religious. I am not for love. My whole effort is for religion."
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"I am for love. I have been teaching my whole life in favor of love. The reason is strange. But I am an eccentric man. I have been teaching you to go for love because I know that unless you come to this crucial point, where the other is hell, you will never become religious. I am not for love. My whole effort is for religion."
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"I am not doing any serious work. I am not doing work at all; it is my joy to share with you. Now, what you do with it is your problem, not mine."
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"I am here to give you freedom...I don't say to imitate me and I don't say to be like me. I don't give you any ideal to follow and I don't give you any ideology. I simply make you free of all ideologies and free of all ideals... free of all conditionings."
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"My whole effort is to make your morality spontaneous. You should be conscious and alert, and respond to every situation with absolute consciousness. Then whatever you do is right. It is not a question of actions being right or wrong, it is a question of consciousness - whether you are doing it consciously or unconsciously like a robot."
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"I am not here to make you a sheep. You have been a sheep for too long already. I am here to make a man out of you. It is going to be arduous, but you have to start becoming responsible for your own life. Once you start feeling responsible for your own life you start growing, because then there is no point in wasting time in postponing, in waiting. Nobody is coming to help you. All waiting is futile, all waiting is sheer wastage."
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"I am crazy, but you are crazier! And that is the only bond between us - I am crazy, you are crazier."
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"I am neither an eastern man nor a western man. I don't belong to any country, to any nation, to any religion. Because if you belong to any country, you cannot belong to all. And if you belong to any religion, all religions cannot be yours. I don't belong to any. I have no roots in any country, in any religion, in any partial humanity."
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"I am not a logician. I am an existentialist. I believe in this meaningless, beautiful chaos of existence, and I am ready to go with it wherever it leads. I don't have a goal, because existence has no goal. It simply is, flowering, blossoming, dancing - but don't ask why. Just an overflow of energy, for no reason at all. I am with existence."
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"After a hundred years people will be perfectly able to understand why I was misunderstood - because I am the beginning of the mystical, the irrational. I am a discontinuity with the past. The past cannot understand me; only the future will understand."
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"Sometimes foolish people come to me and they ask: 'What is your teaching in short? Which of your books contains your total teaching?' I have no teaching! That's why so many books are possible. Otherwise how can so many books be possible? If you have a certain teaching, then one or two books will do. That's why I can go on talking for ever, because I have no teaching. Every teaching will sooner or later be exhausted; I cannot be exhausted. There is no beginning and no end... we are always in the middle. I am not a teacher."
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"I am not a philosopher, I am not a systematizer; I am absolutely anarchistic, as anarchistic as life itself. I dont believe in systems. I am a nonsystematic, anarchistic flow; I am not even a person, just a process. I dont know what I said to you yesterday, and the person who said it is not here to answer; he is gone. I am here, and I am answerable only for this moment. So don't wait for tomorrow because I will not be here. And who is going to make consistency, who is going to find a thread that is not contradictory? There is nobody. And I would like you to be the same."
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"With me, illusions are bound to be shattered. I am here to shatter all illusions. Yes, it will irritate you, it will annoy you - that's my way of functioning and working. I will sabotage you from your very roots! Unless you are totally destroyed as a mind, there is no hope for you."
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"My effort is to bring man back to his natural self. I will be condemned, I will be criticized. Every religion, every tradition, every morality, every ethical code is going to condemn me. That does not surprise me! I expect it, because what I am saying and doing is changing the very course of human consciousness."
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"I am not teaching a way, so you cannot claim that my way is the best way - it is not a way at all. You cannot say that this is the only way, because I am saying there is no way at all. I am simply trying to make you alert to that which is already there."
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"With me, illusions are bound to be shattered. I am here to shatter all illusions. Yes, it will irritate you, it will annoy you - that's my way of functioning and working. I will sabotage you from your very roots! Unless you are totally destroyed as a mind, there is no hope for you."
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"I don't see any point of dividing the outer and the inner. I have been poor, I have lived in utter poverty, I have lived in richness. And believe me, richness is far better than poverty. I am a man of very simple interests: I am utterly satisfied with the best of anything, I don't ask for more."
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"My whole life has been devoted to only one single program: how to bring love and meditation together - because only through that meeting a new humanity is possible. And only in the meeting of love and meditation, the duality of man and woman - the inequality of man and woman - disappears."
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"My whole life has been devoted to only one single program: how to bring love and meditation together - because only through that meeting a new humanity is possible. And only in the meeting of love and meditation, the duality of man and woman - the inequality of man and woman - disappears."
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"I do not belong to the category of the learned. My whole life has been based on a fundamental truth which can only be called unlearning. Whatever the society has forced me to learn, through the schools and the colleges and the universities, my work has been how to unlearn it; how to clean myself from all this junk, rubbish and all kinds of crap. I am not a learned man. Perhaps I might be the most unlearned man in the world. And I would hate to be respected by the present humanity - it does not have that intelligence, nor has it that heart, nor has it that being."
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"My whole effort is to take all the props away from you, all beliefs, Osho included. First I pretend to give you help...because that is the only language you understand! Then by and by I start withdrawing myself. First I take you away from your other desires and help you to become very passionate about nirvana, liberation, truth. And when I see that now all desires have disappeared, there is only one desire left, then I start hammering on that desire, and I say, 'Drop it because this is the only barrier.' And I start taking the last desire from you. Once the last desire disappears, you are enlightened. Then you are Osho."
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"Please don't try to understand me intellectually. I am not an intellectual, in fact I am anti-intellectual. I am not a philosopher, I am very anti-philosophic. Try to comprehend me. Listen silently with no inner chattering, with no inner talk, without evaluating. I am not saying believe what I say, I am not saying accept what I say. I am saying there is no need to be in a hurry to accept or reject. First at least listen - why be in such a hurry? When you see a roseflower, do you accept or reject it? When you see a beautiful sunset, do you accept or reject it? You simply see it, and in that very seeing is a meeting. If what I am saying has anything of truth in it, it will be understood by your heart. But the mind has to give way. And then you will not need to change your life according to it, it will be changed of its own accord."
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"My function is very different from the function of Gautam Buddha. His function is only a small part of my philosophy. I want individuals to become enlightened, but I want also the whole of humanity to rise with the enlightened people. They may not become enlightened, but at least become conscious enough so that nations disappear, religions disappear, races disappear, and we can live as one humanity, as one earth."
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"I am not here to fulfill your expectations. If I fulfill your expectations I will never be able to transform you. I am here to destroy all your expectations, I am here to shock you. And in those shocking experiences your mind will stop. You will not be able to figure it out - and that is the point where something new enters you."
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"I am not here to support you, I am here to dismantle your mind."
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"I am not a way. A way leads you somewhere, it connects you with the there, and my whole effort is to bring you here. A way is there-oriented, and I am here-oriented."
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"Please don't try to understand me intellectually. I am not an intellectual, in fact I am anti-intellectual. I am not a philosopher, I am very anti-philosophic. Try to comprehend me. Listen silently with no inner chattering, with no inner talk, without evaluating. I am not saying believe what I say, I am not saying accept what I say. I am saying there is no need to be in a hurry to accept or reject. First at least listen - why be in such a hurry? When you see a roseflower, do you accept or reject it? When you see a beautiful sunset, do you accept or reject it? You simply see it, and in that very seeing is a meeting. If what I am saying has anything of truth in it, it will be understood by your heart. But the mind has to give way. And then you will not need to change your life according to it, it will be changed of its own accord."
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"I have been misunderstood perhaps more than anyone else ever, but it has not affected me, for the simple reason that there is no desire to be understood. It is their problem if they don't understand, it is not my problem. If they misunderstand, it is their problem and their misery. I am not going to waste my sleep because millions of people are misunderstanding me."
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"I am the beginning of a totally new religious consciousness. Please don't connect me with the past. It is not even worth remembering. It will a great blessing to humanity if we burn all the past histories, destroy the whole past, and give man a fresh beginning, unburdened. Make him again Adam and Eve, so that he can start from scratch - a new man, a new civilization, a new culture."
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"I am not here to support you, I am here to dismantle your mind."
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"I am deliberately inconsistent, contradictory, so that you cannot make any body of knowledge out of me. So if one day you start gathering something, another day I take it away. I don't allow you to gather anything. Sooner or later, you are bound to be awakened to the fact that something totally different is transpiring here. It is not that I am giving you some dogma to be believed in, some philosophy to be lived by, no, not at all. I am utterly destructive, I am taking everything away from you."
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"As far as I am concerned, I have never planned anything; I have simply lived, wondering what is going to happen next."
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"One thing: you have to walk, and create the way by your walking; you will not find a ready-made path. It is not so cheap, to reach to the ultimate realization of truth. You will have to create the path by walking yourself; the path is not ready-made, lying there and waiting for you. It is just like the sky: the birds fly, but they don't leave any footprints. You cannot follow them; there are no footprints left behind."
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"I am deliberately inconsistent, contradictory, so that you cannot make any body of knowledge out of me. So if one day you start gathering something, another day I take it away. I don't allow you to gather anything. Sooner or later, you are bound to be awakened to the fact that something totally different is transpiring here. It is not that I am giving you some dogma to be believed in, some philosophy to be lived by, no, not at all. I am utterly destructive, I am taking everything away from you."
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"I have never been a serious person.... I am not serious at all because existence is not serious. It is so playful, so full of song and so full of music and so full of subtle laughter. It has no purpose; it is not business-like. It is pure joy, sheer dance, out of overflowing energy."
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"I am deliberately inconsistent, contradictory, so that you cannot make any body of knowledge out of me. So if one day you start gathering something, another day I take it away. I don't allow you to gather anything. Sooner or later, you are bound to be awakened to the fact that something totally different is transpiring here. It is not that I am giving you some dogma to be believed in, some philosophy to be lived by, no, not at all. I am utterly destructive, I am taking everything away from you."
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"Remember: whatsoever I am saying is not the thing that I want to say to you. Whatsoever I am saying has nothing to do with truth, because truth cannot be said. Whatsoever I am saying is nothing but a hammering. If you become awake, you will see the truth."
Osho




Feeling Anxious? Be Alert!

When you feel anxious, anxiety-ridden, what is one to do? What do you ordinarily do when anxiety is there? You try to solve it. You try alternatives, and you get more and more into it. You will create a bigger mess because anxiety cannot be solved through thinking. It cannot be dissolved through thinking because thinking itself is a sort of anxiety.

This technique says don’t do anything with anxiety. Just be alert!

I will tell you one old anecdote about Bokuju, another Zen master. He lived alone in a cave, but during the day, or even in the night, he would sometimes say loudly, “Bokuju” — his own name, and then he would say, “Yes, I am here.” And no one else was there.
Then his disciples used to ask him, “Why are you calling ‘Bokuju’, your own name, and then saying, ‘Yes sir, I am here’?”
He said, “Whenever I get into thinking, I have to remember to be alert, and so I call my own name, ‘Bokuju.’ The moment I call ‘Bokuju’ and I say, ‘Yes sir, I am here,’ the thinking, the anxiety disappears.”
Then, in his last days, for two or three years, he never called “Bokuju,” his name, and never had to reply, “Yes sir, I am here.”
The disciples asked, “Master, now you never do this.”
So he said, “But now Bokuju is always there. He is always there, and there is no need. Before I used to miss him. Sometimes the anxiety would take me, cloud me all over, and Bokuju was not there. So I had to remember ‘Bokuju,’ and the anxiety would disappear....”

Try your name. When you feel deep anxiety, just call your name — not “Bokuju” or any name, but your name — and then reply to it, “Yes sir, I am here,” and feel the difference. Anxiety will not be there. At least for a single moment you will have a glimpse beyond the clouds, and that glimpse can be deepened. Once you know that if you become alert anxiety is not there, it disappears; you have come to a deep knowing of your own self and the mechanism of inner working.
--osho