SO SIMPLE YET SO COMPLEX

Mr. Psychic has always preferred isolation. He has been isolated from his childhood. Totally isolated, totally left out, and totally alone. Left out by his parents, left out by his friends left out by people who meant the world to him and left out by everybody. As always tonight also he is all alone in his room, his only company being his cigar, scotch and silence. It is no different from any other night as the breeze is gently blowing and the moon is peeping through the window but there's a whole lot of things hovering around his mind. It is not always that he talks to himself but tonight his fingers are continually striking the keyboard flooding his emotions onto the monitor. It seems as if he is talking to himself, he seems to be trying to explain something to himself.

"She is a poet's imagination, a reality turned dream, truely a gods creation, a beautiful flower just blossoming for me, magical creation, spellbindingly beautiful. No! Beautiful is too harsh a word to describe her. I have been studying her since i gained my senses. Her every little glimpse has provided me with the inspiration and unknown energy for so long. Glimpses are all that i have been stealing from her. She doesn't still know me yet and i don't want her to. I am quite content with her glimpses alone. I can't dare to spoil it all for this stupid reason."
"I can't help but smile from within whenever i see her. She seems to smile back at me. I get the feeling of being lost in paradise. Sometimes she throws me a strange and offended look. Maybe she gets conscious and offended of being watched and followed by an unknown person like me. I feel guilty. But she compensates for this with her charismatic nature. She smiles at every other person she meets. Like me, she can't be angry with someone for long."
"She is the one i have been looking for all my life. Now i have found her but i still won't try to get any closer to her. This is not the appropriate time. For the time being i am happy with whatever i am getting; those precious inspiring and satisfying glimpses. Maybe it's enough fore lifetimes. I don't want to derail her off track for my happiness. I am just enjoying her presence as she is enjoying her life. And how enjoyable her life is. At least it seems so. Everybody loves her."
"One day, maybe our tracks will become the same and she will be all mines. But it will come with time only. I won't be unhappy even if the day never comes. She doesn't belong to me and i am happy with whatever little happiness i have got till now. I will think she wasn't ever destined to be mine. Just her being happy is enough for me. Actually whatever little amount of happiness i have got is too much for a lifetime as short as this."
Mr. Psychic saves the file and gets a printout. He gets up from his chair and starts reading what he has written. “I have tried my best and still i can't explain it to myself?, “ he says to himself.” This writing seems so inadequate and hollow.” He safely puts the printout in file and sits down on the couch, freeing all his weight on it. Then he smiles.”Well then, i give up. To describe her is beyond my limits. My whole vocabulary would be insufficient to describe her. She is 'so simple yet so complex’. His smile vanishes. And why should i describe her? She is all mine and why should anyone else know about her?"
And why should you know about her?,” he shouts at himself .The window panes tremble as a consequence. Then there is again a graveyard silence.
Mr. Psychic reaches out for his jacket and feels inside it. He grins in anticipation of something. His hand slowly comes out of the jacket. There is a revolver in his hand. Quite calmly he rests the nozzle on his right temple .He gives a psychic, mysterious smile. Then .........and then slowly he pulls the trigger...........bang.........silence....

STRANGER-

Its dark….nothing was visible…..slowly I started to see something…….may be its b’coz I just entered from light to that room……….now I can see blur images of everything……….it was a room with four windows n a door…..all windows n door was closed..….and I looked around to find out where I was……and I saw image of someone…….he was coming close to me…….I was scared……so scared ….that no words came out of my mouth………n I suddenly cried out…….”who the hell r u?”……and he whispered” r u alright?....I donno what m doing here too…but don’t cry I won’t do anything….”…..I stopped crying…I believed him…..and he came close to me….sat down ….and when he sat by my side one window opened…it’s like magic…and some light came into the room through that window..….and I can see him………he was watching me n smiling at me….may be he was thinking who is this stupid gal just shouted me before some time……..or may be his smile doesn’t mean anything…or may be he wanted to make me feel comfortable………by then my fear had gone too far but I was shy to talk to him……..now after a long silence he asked “who r u? Can we be friends?”….I was still feeling shy to talk to him…..and I answered “m daza…we just met…friendship is little too early for us….don’t u think so?...…”….now in that room only with some visible light I was sitting with stranger who wants to be my friend…….then he said”ok then lets talk about us…so that we can know each other and we will be friends….”..there is no other option for me……what else we can do in that room except talking and we started talking about frens …about life…about us…..and I found out that we both liked same things….most of the thing we talked about is just alike……….his habits n mine…his way of taking life n mine…his jokes for which I laughed n laughed…….I thought that I had never met someone who is so compatible with me……like we were made from same soil…..god gifted me someone whom I can understand so easily…whom I can believe in…who will care about me all my life……..n I was feeling that…in that corner of dark room I found heaven…….I was so happy like I was never before……when I felt like that another window opened and some more light entered the room………now I can see him clearly…..he is like the man from my fairytale…..someone I dreamt of all the years from my childhood till now….and his smile brightened my life…..and when he was talking I was watching him….I felt like if I could I will capture those words coming out from his mouth n store them in somewhere from where they won’t ever come out….now I was saying nothing only listening to him….and more he talked more I wanted to hear….and I stopped talking ‘coz if I will talk he will stop n I will lose some moment of hearing his voice…..n more I heard more I was feeling sth strange inside me……it was happiness or sth I don’t know……but I was drowning in something deeper n deeper……and suddenly I hold his hands……he stopped talking n stared at me for some moment…..and again he smiled n hold my hands tightly in his hands……..and then the third window opened……the room was quite filled with light by then…..and then I remembered to look around again……and I saw there was nothing in the room….except we two holding hands…….the room is empty……..n we still feeling so happy to be with each other……….and I even don’t know who he was…. then I asked him” who r u stranger?”……he smiled back again m said “I m love”…….I didn’t knew what he was saying n I asked “what is love?”……and he said “ u’re happy with me in this empty room without any conditions and without any reasons….that is love”….I didn’t understood what he was saying…..but I didn’t even asked more…I wished to understand more n ask more but I wanted the right time to come when he will answer all my questions….….and now the fourth window opened……its like miracle….n I looked at him some questions in my eyes….and he said “don’t be surprised….first window opened when u believed me….second when u started to know me…third when u felt something for me n trust a stranger with your feelings…….and this fourth window opened when u started to have gained patience” ….he is amazing all the time….n I wished if I could live all my life in this room with him…….and I hold his hand so tight with both my hands………may be some part of me is scared…scared to lose him …..and the door opened…..and he said” now the time came to leave…..to decide for life ahead n move on…..”….he took his hands from mine n started to walk towards door……..n I felt pain….his one step ahead gave me one strange pain….I followed him……we came out of that room……outside there is light everywhere so beautiful so full of everything we need……..but why is this pain?....n why is this fear?......just then he turned back…..n said ”u r in love with a stranger n this pain is b’coz we can’t go ahead together…. ”….again I didn’t said anything n he moved ahead…..I closed my eyes for second n ran back to that room…..closed all windows n door……n sat in that same corner waiting for him to come n ask “r u alright?”……but he never came……n I was still waiting in same corner…….

The message

Days were there when dream seems wonderful......i love to hope .....wish to see what tomorrow brings......everyday was a new day bringing new hopes n fulfiling new dreams......watching stars n searching the face i wanted to see.......hoping that someone is doing same for me...... getting wet in rain n next day regular sneezing......looking at the mirror many times before going out......joking n laughing with frens in every moment we get together......no pains at all.......my world was limited within my frens ,family n myself...........life was so small yet so perfect.......but in that life i always wished to be little more matured.....wanted to know people......see the world......
With all my dreams n smiles i moved n meet "Love".......it was wonderful then.....it taught me to have patience....dream more n wait for tomorrow.....but it brought pain with it.......i gotta know ppl but i got scared to see the real face behind the beautiful mask they were wearing..........i saw world.......so crowed still i found myself standing alone in between them.......n frens lost somewhere in those crowds.......heart started to search for happiness.......which i already lost.........then it suffered.....unknown pain hit each moment n tears flow out of eyes.........dreams seem all dark...broken........i started to hate rain.......those small things that use to bring happiness seems so stupid.......i became matured but i lost everything.......i knew people n i lost faith for everyone......i saw world n my world became dark forever..........just 'coz i m in love........lost everything still had someone to make me happy n i was living life with only that thing..........
Suddenly everything changed........life took a turn.......i lost the only hand that's holding me in the crowd of unknown faces........then i fall down on my knees......prayed hundred of times.......wished her to come back.........n asked her a last chance .....n i got that chance......i explained her why?.......how?.........but by then she had buried me somewhere n moved on.........i'd died for her.........i was crying....pleeding.....but my sound.....my prayer never reached her........for hours i remebered every word she told me.......the way she killed me in her heart........i wasn't able to think what next.......from where i'll start again........i looked around n i saw m surrounded by the walls of memories , my dreams,my hopes........m really buried under them........
I've been blamed for all mistakes that i never did.......if i did then also its not my intention.......if i hurt her by mistake then also i felt regret.......hurting intentionally was not in my heart n mind.........its beyond my imagination........then i thought if her happiness is without me.........i should go away too.......why should i be the black clouds in someone's happy world.?.........this story is mine.......n its complete......it's not necessary that i loved u so i must get back the same........so i killed myself for her........
Then i thought how i will live now........when i try to forget memories my past becomes empty......my present seems meaningless n future seems dark......i was lost completely.......there wasn't way to turn back.....n i don't have guts to move ahead..............i can't live without sharing my feelings with her............then i decided to write stories n poems.......my every story......n my poems are for her.........and this is to tell her that till m alive i won't disturb her life.........but i'll write stories for u....my poems will shout out your name.....n the day i stop writing for u........think m gone........died not only for u but for world........n that day for a minute look behind n remeber me for once........my soul will be free.........i can't change my feelings......i can't stop loving her........so this life i will live for her........those memories he'd buried were fresh in my heart forever........she was thankful to god that m not part of her life anymore............but m grateful to god that he brought her in my life.........n i learnt to live life.......struggle......n knew that life isn't always abt your happiness.........sometimes we have to live for others too.......and m thankful to her that she hold my hands when i was steping forward to face the world........n when i scared she hide me with in her.......and when m ready again to start she let me with her warm smile n support me.......m thankful to her........

Within My Soul

You came from my dreams,
Filling my heart.
Walking beside me,
Holding me close
The gentleness you bestowed upon me
The closeness we share
Leaves me in awe of you.

So many truths of dreams and desires
Held so tight.
Hidden just below the surface
A heart no longer silent
The need to share the reality
Of such purity of essence

You see me as I am
I wear no mask before you
Standing vulnerable, shy, soft, and loving
No pretending, it is very real
You're not my imagination,
But what was missing from my soul

A piece of cloth,
Woven so close.
Threads intertwined
Each touched by the other.
Held tight, each making the other strong
With every thread, it becomes more complete
One in the same, each enhancing the other

Do we stand and question
The purity of this moment
Together in sight of a common goal
Or merely brushing it aside, and settling
With a mere existence

Will we have the courage
To open our hearts,
Letting our souls reach out,
Sharing completely

Knowing this could be ... that last chance
Could we just walk away ?
Or reach for all the dreams to come true.

Just Story...

It all started some years back when I had just joined college. It was then that I saw her. She was not that beautiful but something in her drew me close to her. Was it her blue eyes or the way she talked or just her simple looks I can never tell, but whatever it was I started liking her. It was not love at first sight and nor did I wanted to jump onto it rightaway. I wanted to know her more, know how she felt about me so I became her just-a-friend. The more I would talk to her the more I liked her.
We started being together during college hours and when we reached home we would talk for hours over the phone and still I never got tired of her. We started going on dates, but I hadnt told her how I felt about her.
Then one day I told her. I told her how I felt,I told her what she meant for me, I told her everything. And she just smiled and said she had known it all along.
I was really happy but this happyness was not everlasting. After some months she started acting differently. At first I thought this was only my imagination, and I wish it was. She started avoiding me. Whenever I talked with her, she would do it for the sake of it. I couldn't understand what was happening, but whatever it was I could feel that I was losing her. I would sit alone in my room and think about the good times, the times when we were together and it would make me feel like crying. I couldn't take it any more so one day I asked for answers. And answer she gave me. She told me she never loved me, and if I was in illusion that we were lovers then she was breaking up. I knew it was comming and I was prepared for it, but still it was hard for me to take.
I finished my college. Time went by, and it had been more than two years since I last saw her. I did try to forget her but she was still in my mind. When we are hurt, though it heals in time, the scar reminds you about it throughout life.
Then one day I met her. It was just a formal talk as I could still feel the pain. She started calling me over the phone, and this time I talked just for the sake. She said she was sorry for all she had done, and she wanted us to be together again, just like before.
But now I don't want it. I don't want to go through all the pain once again. I cannot take it again. I don't know whether I am doing it right or not. I don't know whether I'll find THAT someone special or not. But one thing I know is that she was never meant for me and she'll never be mine again....

Tale Of A heart

This is not exactly a story but it is a story of a heart.

When I close my eyes, I am shocked not seeing u. Are u lost? But u chose the way down my eyes to my heart. From my heart there is no way further to my life. I know that, but my heart doesn’t want to kick u, ur memory out if it. This is the same heart that invited u inside, this same heart longing 4 u every time. I know what it wished 4 shall not be fulfilled. U r not with me but your remembrances will lead me through my life. Just 1 request plz don’t haunt my memories coz the pain of not getting u hurts more then the pain of letting u go. U r not mine but I am urs that’s what satisfy me but then I remember my helplessness and my heart is shattered in to pieces . Loves nothing until u’ve experienced it. when it pricks u, u experience the pain. Something good or worse no words to explain. I want u but u can't be mine. Ur remembrance will do but this same remembrance penetrated its way through my heart just to make me cry. They say no pain no gain but in my case it’s just pain without any gain and I can't bargain. This is all I can do sense you. I can’t let u or I’d rather say ur image out of my mind coz it seems u are the meaning of my life. I am carried away in your love and little insane. But this r my feeling tossed with reality torn here and there but patched with hope.

Last Letter....

Some one some where is made for u..........there were so many for whom there is no one made.....they just meant to feel the pain all the time.....love isn't in their fate......destiny brings only heart breaks.........one day i saw a guy for whom i fall for....he never noticed....n one day i found he loved my fren...i stayed quite....i thought may be he isn't in my destiny.........but situations n people taking enjoyment from others situation are always there.......n they call themselves my fren........whom i believed the most.......and they created so many situations in which we both got trapped.....he thought i was the one who always did all the stuffs.........but at that time i even never had guts to talk to him nor anyone else.........i never had confidence to speak to talk tp other people not even my family........i always use to keep quite........and he thought i was guilty......many people said many thing against me to him...may be some he believed some not....but i never explained 'coz i thought he knows me n believes me.......so many be he won't ever blame me for anything.........i waited........just called him at nights to hear his voice.......but never had guts to talk to him.........one day he called me n i thought my prayers had came true.......i convinced myself that if he can't be my lover ...i'll be his fren...his best fren........i did a lot.......n i succeed........but i was always unable to convince my heart.....my feelings increased n increased ...my fren had left him .....when he told me in that i cried for him.....i really did....i even for a second thought anything else.........n i saw him in grief since then......and when i felt hurt 'coz of his grief i went to my frens house n requested her...just to meet him once.......just talk to him one.........she did for me.......n once again i bring them together back.......but things went bad even more........i tried to control the situation but failed.......and they depart once again......my other frens scold me for that.....but i can see myself in pain ...not him.......so i tried so many times....i tried to bring my fren back in his life but i never succeed.......when she used bad words for him i felt so bad that one day i broke relation with her.........he never noticed that slowly he had became my life.....for him i was his best fren........but for me i was devoted to him........cried every night for him.........and every night waited for his calls........and he called every day.......at that moment i always forget my pains n felt like i was on top of the world...........but the next moment i fell down from there........n it took so long for me to get back to life again.......
when he left Nepal for further studies......i felt i lost him.......i cried for months........but distance never came in between us...the next moment he is with me ...in phone calls...net.....but its enough for me.........and i joined school to get out of my depressions......i ever succeed though.......my studies...my life...everyone else had left me many yrs back.......only thing that mattered is him......my morning started with him...my every second passed by with his name.......his photos n his phone call all i have in life.........but i was happy.......very happy i guess.......never saw that for him i was only fren......but his caring ..his love though it was as fren....his pain for me....and many more thing never let me forget him for a second......n i always wonder in questions for which i never got answered....i wondered our relation is perfect...then why he says he doesn't love me?.........but i never got answered........n i gave myself my own reasons like may be m ugliest person in world...may be our caste is different so. may be m not his type...may be n may be........it never end.........but ya it made me depressed.....so depressed that i lost my thoughts...my aim for life......my ways.........he never understood that...n whenever we discussed we argued only.....no use......so i decided to leave Nepal.........but at that moment i forgot that places can be changed but the heart remains same.......n feeling grew n grew......once he said come back to nepal n we will talk...i went back n felt so ignored that it hurt me the most....i feel scare to go back now......sometimes he use to say...i don't want to lose a fren so if u wish only having relation is a good idea then lets be in relation........but those days brought suffocations in my life.......how can i be with a man who only accept me 'coz of my pains....or just to save our friendship?........so never the relation succeed......there were so many other things but i know the friendship between us is true......in friendship we never betrayed each other..........though many of my frens never understood that.........they always said if there is friendship there must be love......and if he doesn't loves u then he doesn't even is your fren...........but i knew..........we were gr8 frens.......and there isn't compulsion that always only one relation can exist.........he has been there to share my pains.......he was always there for me........only as a lover we never succeed but i know he never betrayed me for anything..........he shared everything with me....only that after that also my feelings never decreased...so i feel that i was the one who is guilty.....i was the one to be punished 'coz i was the one who ruined our relation.............God know why he brought us together...........but i know my life will be for him. No matter he will be there or not...........
and after more than 9 yrs of agreement n friendship...love n care..........its time to depart...he said he is getting married soon.......i know i can' live with out him.........but i can't say anything 'coz his life ...his decisions i never can change........i only know one thing i was waiting for one hope that he will someday come back..........now i will wait the day when I’ll leave this world...till then his memories are more than enough to live this life.............this ever lasting waiting will be ended some day i believe so...........and i wrote him my last letter.........

DEAR
how many times we said good bye but we always unable to stay separately n again we came back to each other........sometimes u came first sometimes i came..........but the distance between us never increased like the way it gonna increase now......my heart n my mind still wish u the happiness n success in your life......in every steps may god always bless u....this is my love or may be i m selfish but some part of me is dying without u...i want to be still m unable to be happy......how could i be happy that u leaving me forever.....how i'll forget that i dreamt to live life with u...how will i remove all those pictures of u n me from memories n life.......how i could destroy all those dreams......how could i....how could i?.........i donno n i won't.........everything will be fresh with me.........in my memories ...in my life..........
May be after today i won't tell u anything or u won't be there to listen....so let me tell u today that i never tried to hurt u in my life but it was time situation that create misunderstanding....whenever u blamed me i never explained 'coz i felt if u don't believe in me what is use of explanations?.....i was wrong....i should have proved everything to u..........n i did so many times.....n u never believed i guess..........I’ve been waiting for u just with the hope that someday u'll understand me...........no as usual i was wrong...u never even tried to understand my love..........let me tell u that friendship is the best relation n i was wrong to try changing it into sth else.......but now its too late............i can't undo my feelings.....i can't bring back those moments.....things got bad for me.....love had became a dream never meant to come true.........wish u all the best for life ahead.........wish u'll get success in every step u climb up.........can't say if we see eachother again in life or not......time had always been unfair to me........but i promise that i will try not to come in your life again.........m taking my pains ...my tears... my feelings n my memories with me........hope only happiness i left in your life.........just wated to tell u that i loved u for no reasons.........n i'll love u forever n ever..........just going away from your life so that u won't get more embrassed b'coz of me....u won't get hurts 'coz of me.......sometimes word became less to talk about to express n today m not getting words to describe my feelings....to say goodbye.......what will be appropriate way to bye to a part of life.......i donno........but i've to i know.........so good bye.....GOODBYE..........

YOURS N FOREVER YOURS..........