May 9, 2006

...couldnot trust him again.

I thought it is a true love, which we both used to have. I thought it is a trust of soul, which we both used to have. We're never able to confess our love face-to-face, though we confessed it through other means. We both used to believe there is something inbetween us. He went abroad for further studies. We both regret for not being able to confess the love face-to-face. But I was okay 'coz I thought I have his love though he never expressed it looking at my eyes. I just waited to feel his love. Time passed by, everything started changing. He was abroad so his life style was hard for me to understand. He started blaming for not understanding him n went on ignoring me. I tried hard to understand him, to companied him but couldnot. I thought 'coz of distance things r turning but will be okay in future. I was still okay though he ignored me, used to leave me alone when i used to ask him his company, i used to cry alone but i thought he might be alone there, might have some problem, might miss the moments we could share together, thougt he might be angry w/ me 'coz we'r never together, he is helpless thats why he is showing his madness to me 'coz i'm the only person infront of whom he can show his anger, smiles n everything else.
I tried to understand him but never thought about any other reason. One day i got to know about his another affair. My heart broke into small pieces. I felt as if smbody wake me up from nightmares & tried to show me reality. I thought its all my fault that I couldnot give him my warm love so he looked forward.
Everybody used to ask me, do u have bf? I used to say, yes. They again used to ask me where? I used to reply, he is abroad. Listening to my reply everyone used to ask me r u crazy? u r saying he is abroad n u still dreaming of him, forget about him, most of the men who asked me these questions used to say, I'm also a man n I know wht men thinks n wht they r. But i used to reply we both believe each other, we have feelings for each other, no distance matters if there is trust. Everybody used to be surprise n used to say goodluck to me. But when i got to know about his another affair I realized how true those people were. I thought feelings r always there despite long distance but he proved me wrong. He never ever told me about his another affair, but when i knew about it n asked him about it, he told me he never found that feelings in me which he got in that girl. Does it mean feeling only comes when u r around smbody or lets say when u r physically attached? He even told me he don't know if he had ever loved me or not. I just couldnot understand him n his thoughts. He just went n went ignoring me breaking my trust n all our small small dreams. I dont know if i can call him cheater or not. when i didnot know about his affair, i asked him why is he ignoring me n his reply was, "my life has changed n u never understood it, so u go ur own way, i'll go mine, i didnot mean by this that i'm taking our relation to the conclusion but we'll decide about it in future." I, for a while thought he is right.

Somehow, his relation broke up w/ his so called g/f. He was abroad so i dont know wht kind of relation he might had w/ her. He came back to me and told me he was lost but now wanna fully commit himself to me. I was startled.Thought he might was very lonely there, he might have got nice company to share w/, but now the thing that matters is he came back to me. it was not eg for me to accept him w/ the broken heart n trust he left. I thought I should forgive him, 'coz he was and he is always mine. I did forgive him. i did try to understand him one more time but couldnot. I failed again. He again blamed me, i did try to understand him but dont know how to understand his so called love, how could u understand the love of ur partners for smbody else? But i swear i did try to understand him but couldnot. Just felt he never loved me though he said he is all mine.
Now i feel i'm responsible for all those things, it just happened 'coz I couldnot give him my love, the love that I thought I have for him n that which he said is all fake, yes he proved my love fake. Did I really do wrong? I did try to build up the trust again but it is hard to build up the trust that once broke so I asked him to help me lifting up that broken trust but his reply was my past is not smthing that i regret so I dont wanna prove myself. I dont know how right or wrong it was but i didnot ask him to prove himself, i just asked him to help me, to company me. I tried but juss couldnot trust him again. Does this mean my love is fake and let me also ask can i ask him if he had ever loved me? he came back to me after keeping the relation w/ smbody else, do i really shouldnot care about this n should only feel happy that he came back to me?