Apr 1, 2006

WHAT HAVE I DECIDED FOR MYSELF?

'Jaanu will u ever leaves me?' No I won't ever leave u.....if I died then too I will follow u as ghost.....and we both use to burst out in laugh。。。。I loved him so much that I really couldn’t ever think I’ll ever leave him or he will leave me….but jokes are part of life n it goes on…….I never had words to describe how much I loved him…..how much I wanted to be with him….and I can do anything to hear his voice once, to see him once…
But who knows what time brings for us. And what’s on our destiny…. And same things happened to me….life seem to be fairy tale n now it turned to dirty reality …and the reality is so painful that it drown everything…my dreams my hopes, my everything…..everything was going as we planned till the day we decided to marry …our parents had problem ‘coz of our caste our status and all…and they denied our marriage……we both pleaded in front of them ….but their decision was on their place…..nothing changed and we cried……we cried till our tears no more support us……and that day came when we meet…we were sad…but more than that we know that we have to do something which will solve the problem….but he came up with an decision…..he said jaanu I think we have to do as our parents tells…we have to marry there where they tell us to…….I love u…u’re base of my life if I will lose u I’ll lose everything but again when I think about my parents …I can’t…I can.t take it anymore…I don’t want to see u cry…..if I’ll be lost without u then also I’ll always wish to see u happy….lets not cry anymore,….lets finish this pain we r living…it hurts u.. and it hurts me more when u cry….so jaan…lets try to adjust with time n fate……..tears flew continuously from my eyes when he told me this…..my words stuck in my neck….nothing came out of my lips…but inside my heart is saying “how could u?...how could u take that decision alone?...this is my life along with yours u talking about….plz stop this n just say u’re joking like u always say……no plz no,….u can’t leave me……I’ll die without u…..I will be lost….I will be like a empty story….when I remove u from my life my life is nothing except the empty heart n life….don’t do this to me…u can’t do this……..”……..suddenly I hugged him……he hold me tight and we cried for a long time…..and when he left……….some part of me left with him……some part was dying in front of my eyes……..n I was standing there like an statue……watching him to go away……he left…..he left……….oh my god! How could I let him go……….I ran…..ran after him……..but he was gone…..gone so far from me I think………

When I reached home I was like someone who just lost a reason to live life…..and wounded lover…..I felt angry…I threw things here n there……I felt like no one was mine…..no one …my parents even gone against my happiness….he left me ….and I did nothing……I could have stopped my parents from deciding abt my life…I could have stopped him…I could have…I could have done so many things…but I didn’t……..n here I m…all alone……I cried for so long that in front of my eyes I saw darkness….nothing….my heart had stopped hoping…my mind had stopped thinking……and I did that ….

When I wake up….everything was different…suddenly I felt so light….so free….and I heard them crying……first I ignore but when the sound grew louder n louder I walked toward the direction of sound….and I saw my parents my sister my brother …..and many ppl gathering n they all were crying…..why were they crying?......when I rolled my eyes around….I saw myself lying down in between….without any motion…so pale…..what the hell m I seeing……..I m standing rt here n who is that who looks just like me in the floor……..people keep coming n crying……I was lost….n I walked towards my mom n asked her why she was crying……no answer…I asked everyone there but no answer……….oh gosh!! I’d died………now I remember the night before…..I’d finished my own life ‘coz I didn’t wanted to live without him……everyone decided so many things and I decided one thing…and that is death for myself…..those tears of everyone started to burn me now….those howling of everyone was torturing me like hell………hey stop…..stop now…don’t cry……m happy………but no answers…nothing stopped them from crying n they started to bind me in those bamboos and covered with white cover……..suddenly he came……he looked like crazy……he cried out aloud…….and hold me tight…..this time I even didn’t felt that warmth I use to when he hugged me….and he started my last journey…….I followed them….and I saw my own body burning in front of my eyes……..what the hell people whole life fight for….wishing for this n that….at last it just turned into ashes…….

Everyone started to return…..I waited for him to leave……..he left …..And I was with him…..I remembered that…..”I’ll follow u as ghost after death.”……my joke had turned real….he locked himself in his room….he was lying in his bed as a dummy……and he was crying continuously……..and some cold breeze passed through my heart n I felt the pain in his heart….I tried to hugged him tight…I wanted to tell him.”. look m here with u as I promised…..look at me….jaanu look in my eyes….still u laugh there…….”…but useless…….

And I felt what I’ve done……….I’ve brought tears for so many of them……….I’d promised him not to leave………n I left him………I saw my parents cry in pain…….I thought they don’t want my happiness…….but I was wrong………I was wrong n I can’t take time back …..Time had flew so far……

In few days….almost everyone had forgotten it………except my family……they still have tears in their eyes…n may be they will forever…….and I saw him…….numb……no sense for anything……..I died for world n he left the world in his own way…….But I’d promised…….n I’ll be with him forever…….

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